got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
did i just pee glitter
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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