ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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