i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
