How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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