did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
