sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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