Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hippo gnu deer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Randomize
