I have demons in me.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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