I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
