It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
