At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm both gender and math confused
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
