your thong is hanging out like whoa
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
