I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
