there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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