remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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