nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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