just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
