I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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