I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
