where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
