WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
