I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
