My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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