My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
