just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
