I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
