Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
