In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
