When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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