Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
