A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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