please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
