My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
