what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
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