Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
