Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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