I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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