New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
