i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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