I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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