Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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