he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
