I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We are all done wearing pants today
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
