I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
