I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
