why didn't you poke me back
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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