Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
