apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You are the jesus of drinking
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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