I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
