Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
