well I can't set my house on fire every night
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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