I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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