I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
