i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
