I'm so fucking centered right now
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I believe in your delicious
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
