Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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