I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
